


Dissolution

by Ellstra



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Argo II, Despair, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, House of Hades Spoilers, M/M, Oblivious, One-Sided Relationship, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-28
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:56:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1833643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Desire is elementary, revenge is predictable, hatred is blind but love is extensive.</i><br/>Nico di Angelo has always been a burden; and a lonely one too. He believes he doesn't deserve happiness, for some reason he doesn't know. And who would want him, anyway?<br/>Leo Valdez has never really managed to enamour a girl. And he tried so much, he wanted to have a girlfriend - or at least get kissed. And why? He doesn't know but he's sure there is a reason. And maybe, just maybe, he is just frightened because he has no idea what he actually wants. And that stranger, the boy that has the aura of inaccessibility, is so intriguing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Icicle

**Author's Note:**

> I read House of Hades in November and I immediately started writing a story that would be about Nico hating himself because of... well, stuff. Whatever. But then the story got lost and I forgot about it. Then I had this episode of Percy Jackson obssession and I recalled it. I finished the chapter with Nico's POV and was about to proclaim it a finished story when I thought, 'Hey, why not make it a Nico/Leo story as well?' So that's how this happened.

I look down towards the sea and sigh. The waves are high and they look dangerous, unruly and wild. The water has a dull, ash grey colour as if it was sad or upset. And maybe it is. When I learnt that the Greek gods were not a myth, I accepted that nothing I do will pass unnoticed. And the sea… sea is one of the easiest ways to feel mood of the gods. Especially of one god I do not want to recall.

 But the water beneath me gives me no other option. I tried not to look down, I even came down to my cabin and tried to hide myself, but I couldn’t keep myself from the sight forever. Something always pulled me on the deck, to the sea.

I’m curled into a ball on the floor and I stare on the horizon as pale sun rays light up the farthest waves. Strong wind is trying to rip the clothes off me and my hair is swirling in it without order. It’s hitting my face but I don’t care, I just keep myself in the same position. I hear some movements behind me as others lead the ship but I don’t make any attempt to help them. They don’t need it – there is no danger around us, quite surprisingly – and I don’t feel any need to socialise with them. Actually, now I feel even more uneasy around people than I did before.

I’ve never been much of an outgoing person; it’s not that easy when you spent seventy years in a creepy casino that keeps you young, lets you eat whatever you want, do whatever you please and the only thing they ask for is your memory. They want you to stay, be happy and forget all the mess you left when you entered the casino. Yeah, sounds like a hell of place really.

I would give up everything to stay there.

In a world of infinite entertainment, in place where nothing is impossible, where no troubles exist, I wish I could turn back time and never leave. I wish I had my sister Bianca by my side and an obsession with children’s playing cards. I wish I could close my eyes and pretend I am a son of a powerful god who is cherished and worshipped by everybody, that loves me, my mother and my sister; my mother and sister who live. I wish I could only imagine what the Underworld looks like, I long for the childish belief that slaughtering monsters is an act of great bravery and super fun. I wish I never opened eyes and looked through my dream.

I’m not that self-centred to think Gaya wouldn’t be defeated without my help. Actually, _Argo II_ wouldn’t have to save me if I was still in the Lotus. Sometimes I feel the world would have fewer problems without me. My tiny attempt to avenge my sister’s death, my ridiculous life… everything would be so easier if I didn’t leave the casino. I know others try to convince me otherwise and I’m very grateful for that, but I know they’re only trying to be nice. I see the pity in their eyes when they look at me and they don’t even realise it. _Poor Nico,_ they must think, _he’s such a troublesome kid. He’s pretty useless and he only causes troubles, but he’s really cute._ _It’s so sad_. I don’t want to be cute or the boy everybody feels sorry for. I hate it when people think they should pity me. I’m old enough to take care of myself. I’ve seen more things than any of them would ever see and yet they look at me as if I was a baby.

Jason is the worst. I see the genuine effort to nurture everybody in his eyes, it’s so obvious he should have it written all over his forehead and the result would be the same. He believes he was chosen to lead everybody, he actually considers himself that ideal hero without a stain on his perfect reputation who should lead us all. He looks like that on everybody – with honest love and kindness for the person and I can sense the will to help from his behaviour. I have no clue whether he realises that or not.

Maybe he doesn’t. Some people are destined to be perfect. Some people are meant to be the outsiders and freaks.

I can’t blame him for his opinions. He believes in his own perfection – and if not his own, then the world’s, nevertheless. He thinks that if he finds something okay and agreeable, it has to be agreeable for others. He’s not used to failures or rejection – he got everything he wanted. He was a golden child, chosen by Hera – or Juno, whatever – and a handsome one because of his mother, powerful because of his father. A great warrior, good leader, fine fellow to chat with. Who wouldn’t want to be a friend of the perfect Jason Grace? It would be a madness to not want to befriend him.

And who am I compared to him? A child of Hades, skinny guy who wears black, feeds dead with HappyMeals and goes for trips to Tartarus. Not a guy you’d wish to hang out with.

I appreciate Jason’s effort to relieve my suffering, but it is pointless. He can never understand what I feel, and he never could have. He’s got a pretty girlfriend and everybody thinks they’re a good couple. They’re almost as sweet as the pair of the heroes of the battle of Manhattan. Almost as perfect, but not so fangirled over.

Everybody watched their awesome son of Poseidon and brilliant daughter of Athena circle around each other with anticipation. I think they’ve never found out, but people actually bet when they would become a couple. Not if. When. Nobody ever questioned that they were meant for each other. They were destined to be. For sure.

Jason can never understand what it is like to be an outsider who is in love with an unreachable superstar. He _is_ the superstar. He’s not the guy to have a crush on somebody. He can take what he wants. Jason can never understand what it is like to be a sidekick nobody cares about. He doesn’t know what it is like to watch the one you love kiss another person, hold their hand and whisper sweet words to them. Jason would never understand what it is like to see how everybody is thrilled to see those two together.

It’s so ridiculous. As if it wasn’t enough that I am a freak who scares everybody just with his existence and who loves a commonly worshipped hero. No. I happen to be the boy who loves the guy who has a perfect girlfriend. If I wasn’t so desperate, I would laugh. It’s so absurd. What did I do to deserve this? I’m sure the Fates were completely ecstatic to make my life as miserable as possible. If only I knew why.

I look up from the water and take a deep breath. Being on this ship is a torture. Even though they would never admit it, they look at me and think of what they lost. They have enough compassion to not talk about the fact that Annabeth has fallen into the depths of Tartarus as well. She had been gone before they came to rescue me and therefore it’s not my fault. But I can feel their eyes on me; I can almost hear their thoughts going through their minds. They think they’re so _subtle_ and yet there’s absolutely nothing they can hide. I know what they’re thinking. _We’ve risked so much for this reckless boy. We’ve lost Percy and what did we get in response? This underweight, pale freak who just happens to be Hazel’s maybe-stepbrother._

I can’t say if they pity me or hate me. I just know that they can’t accept me; I will never be a part of the group. I’ve always been alone – maybe except for Bianca, but now I can’t even have _her_ – and I have done absolutely nothing to gain that. It’s my father’s heritage; my great privilege and terrible curse.

And they don’t know that the person who hates me the most for causing Percy’s fall into the Underworld is myself. Only Jason knows my biggest secret, a mystery hidden so well it took me ages to discover it. But once I realised what my feelings towards Percy really meant, once I admitted it, I wasn’t given the peace of deciding whether to tell others or not. I wasn’t given time to think it over, I couldn’t come to terms with it, to let the fact sink in. Right when the thing escaped the safety of my heart and got into my brain, I was robbed off it; it was stolen and told to somebody I would have never chosen to reveal it to. If I did want to tell somebody I loved a guy who was most probably dying in the arms of his girlfriend, I would tell Hazel. Because even though she’s not Bianca, she is a child of Hades, even if he was in a different form when he was her father and she understands what it is like to be a child of one of the most powerful gods, the one everybody hates.

But no, out of all people it had to be Jason who could not understand absolutely anything. Jason whose father everybody fears, respects and worships. Jason who is a perfect leader, perfect boy, perfect boyfriend, perfect _everything_. Even if he was much smarter than he really is, he would never get this, he doesn’t have the genes for this. He’s so used to fame and admiration he’s not able to understand why my problem is such a big deal. Jason knows all the facts, but he doesn’t understand anything. Absolutely anything.

He doesn’t get why it is so terrible for me to love Percy. He doesn’t realise that it is another drop in the sea of my weirdness. Not only my father is Hades who got the worst of all the things he could have been a god of, he also made me a gay. It’s just so...unfair. Why is it always me? Haven’t I suffered enough to have this stupid crush on a guy who considers me his slightly annoying, slightly cute little brother? He would never ever think of me this way, even if he was gay which is pointless to think about because he has Annabeth and he’s perfect for Annabeth and she’s perfect for him.

That’s the worst thing on loving somebody, that’s why I hate love. Because if you really love somebody, you put their needs, wishes and happiness over your own and that means you just sit in the corner while they are with the people they love because you love them so much you just choose to give them up for the sake of their happiness. That’s the worst thing about love, that’s why Aphrodite is the worst and most dangerous goddess of all. Because love is so _destructive_. A fool in love can do such stupid things; so many wars have been fought in the name of love, so many people have been killed because of love, so many tears have been shed because of love.

Love is the most vicious motivator of all. Desire is elementary, revenge is predictable, hatred is blind but love is extensive. ‘There are as many loves as there are hearts’ said one Russian author many years ago and the words are a pure truth. Love can have so many forms one can never understand them all, not even in thousand lifetimes.

I lay my head on my forearms and for a while I give in to my despair. I can’t do anything to stop myself from being cursed. I can only hope this has some deeper inner meaning. That maybe after all I’m not only a useless burden that causes troubles. Oh, maybe one day, one day I’ll do something to save somebody’s life. Or I’ll sacrifice myself in the name of the greater good or something and everybody will be happy they’ve finally got rid of me. However the day hasn’t come yet so for now I am only ballast.


	2. Inferno

I sit on my heels close to Nico and pretend to be repairing some device. The good thing about being the only mechanic is that nobody ever questions my actions. I mean sure, it seems like the ship needs to be repaired all the time and therefore it may seem I am a pretty shitty ship-builder, but I don’t really care. I’ve used it many times to have an excuse for watching Nico so I probably am a shitty ship-builder.

I don’t know when I started watching him. I guess I’ve been doing it ever since we rescued him and I’ve gotta admit I was intrigued by him even before, back in the camp when he appeared there from time to time. It’s not like I have a crush on him, not really, because I think it’s pointless. I’ve been burnt (what a funny use of words, isn’t it?) and rejected too many times to still have hope. When I recall all the other people I had a crush on, I realise they have one thing in common – they were absolutely unreachable for me. A frozen goddess Khione, Jason’s forever-virgin badass sister Thalia, even Jason himself. Experience tells me that even though Nico may be a different case, he’s just as distant as they were.

I’m sure he doesn’t realise I’m watching him right now when he cringes by the edge of the ship and stares down below himself. I see his pale hands clutch the railings, I notice he’s trembling. Is he cold? The wind is quite frosty and the weather is awful. But again, I noticed this is exactly his kind of atmosphere. He usually comes here to stand on the deck, shiver and stare into the bleak nothingness under _Argo II_ when this weather surrounds him. As if he only could come out if it was this terrible, as if he forbade himself to dwell in the sun. As if he was punishing himself for something.

I don’t know if he’s always been like this. Neither of us has known him well before he was kidnapped and Percy and Annabeth are gone. I don’t know if the suffering I see in every single movement of his has been there since he was born, or if there is some particular event that changed him. I only know that it breaks my heart to see him like this.

And the reason is because I feel I understand him. I’m certain he doesn’t realise it, but I have a troubled soul as well. I don’t know what demons hide in his mind – and maybe they are worse than mine – but I would do anything to help him fight them. I feel like he assumes he’s alone in the world, he thinks he’s the only one who can carry the weight of world on his shoulders.

He makes me worried. I see he’s depressed all the time, I seem to be the only one to notice he rarely eats and I’m sure I’m the only one who sits in front of his cabin in the night and listens to his despair. I can never reveal my concern to him because he would be horrified. He would never understand that I didn’t mean to be rude and intrude; I would only lose the last bits of hope I hold. I can’t do that because that would shatter me into pieces.

And yet, I can’t stop watching him and trying to figure out what haunts him. I’ve seen Jason giving him strange looks and after I recovered from a jealousy attack I underwent when I saw that Nico actually talked to Jason, I realised that there’s a big part of the secret only Jason knows about. My first instinct was to just ask him – I was his friend for much longer than Nico has, he would tell me. But then I realised that no matter how much he might have liked me more than Nico – of which I wasn’t sure – he would never reveal somebody else’s secret. He’s not the kind of a guy to do so.

There is something that troubles Nico greatly and Jason for some reason knew about it. Did Nico tell him about it himself? And there it was again – what made Jason seem better than me? They are this close – or well, closer than before – since they returned from the search of the sceptre of Diocletian. Maybe some event of that drew them together; maybe one saved life of the other? But Nico doesn’t feel relieved that Jason knows; I’ve been observing him for too long to misinterpret this. No, Nico didn’t choose to tell Jason and yet he knows.

I wish I was bold enough to simply walk towards him, take him into my arms and tell him that everything certainly wasn’t going to be fine, but we could try to make it acceptable. But then again, I don’t think he would appreciate it. He’s not a _hugs-and-warm-blankets_ kind of guy; at least I don’t think he is. Maybe he is a hopeless romantic within his dark soul bound by thick and heavy chains. Maybe he would enjoy a fancy dinner with candles, roses and sloppy, cheesy music. There is so much I want to know about him and so little I actually do. Would he want me to show my affection – even if he would never touch a boy in a way I would want him to? Would he be glad that somebody cares for him and loves him? Would he agree to be my friend and maybe eventually get from his sorrow? Or would he be only more depressed if he couldn’t reciprocate my feelings? Would it make him hate himself even more?

I watch his slender figure against the heavy, miserable clouds and I allow myself to dwell a little more time in my fantasies. In them, he walks to me, falls to his knees, takes my face into his slender cold hands and stares at me with his huge dark eyes. For a while his hands leave just phantoms of touches on my skin, cooling it down, but then he pulls my lips close to his and whispers the sweetest think he could.

“I need you, Leo,”

And then he kisses me as if his life depends on it and I never let him go or fail him because he needs me and I am the only who can put him together.

I sigh and let the tools fall to the deck. This is of no use. It’s getting worse and worse to be in his presence without any trace of hope for improvement. All the days when I kept watching him, following him, staring at the patterns of his behaviour were a torture, self-harm even. I knew he was another of my lapses and yet I fell for him as if there was any chance of happy ending for me. After all, the only person to ever value me was Echo, which is not much of encouragement.

“You’ve been kneeling by the thing for half an hour but you didn’t change a single feature of it. Are you going to pretend you’re just trying to make the ship feel loved or will you tell me what is so interesting about me that you keep following me?” Nico’s low voice unnerves me and I literally jump in surprise. So he knows I’ve been spying on him. I’m doomed. Seriously, I’m doomed.

“Eh,” I only manage to babble, “I guess you wouldn’t believe me if told you I was repairing the ship telepathically.”

He eyes me for some time as if he tried to see through my lame joke and discover something else beneath the layer of stupidity but fails because there is absolutely nothing more than my nervous remark.

“Let us imagine I don’t,” he smirks.

“Ugh. You don’t really wanna know. I’ll stop it,” I promise and hope he’ll walk away soon. Instead, he kneels down so we look into each other’s eyes. He’s so infuriatingly close to me I feel like I may faint.

“Whatever you wish,” he replies, “if you ever changed your mind, you could tell me what troubles you. Nobody can give better advice than somebody who is even better at screwing up his whole life.”

“And you think your life is worse than mine?” I ask cheekily. If it wasn’t me, I’d say I was flirting with him. Have I gone mad?

“You can count on it,” he assures me.

“So you know something about falling in love with a person who would never, ever, by any chance think of you as of their love interest.” I dare him to say no. I don’t even know what I want to hear, I don’t know what to think of his behaviour and I certainly don’t know what to think about my idiotic questions.

“I could write epics,” he nods and there’s something in his eyes that makes me believe him.

“And what have you done about it? Have you told the person?” I spy and stare at him. We hold each other’s gaze and I feel goose bumps running down my spine. It’s such an extra-ordinary feeling I’m forgetting to breathe.

“No. It’s lost. And maybe I will never see the person again,” he says with remorse so deep I want to curl into a ball and cry, “but you _have_ a chance to say it, don’t you?”

“Yes,” I huff and divert my sight. I can’t talk about secret love interests with him when his dark orbs keep piercing my soul.

“Then why don’t you?” he asks and for a fleeting moment I feel like he knows; he knows what I’m trying to hide and he understands.

“Because I’m a coward,” I murmur and I rose up to my feet. “I’m sorry, I’ve gotta go.”

I flee from him and almost run into my cabin where I lock myself and fall on my cot. I reach to my magical belt and pull out some mess of wires to play with. This time though, it doesn’t calm me down, it just makes me even more erratic and nervous. What have I given away and what did he already know? I had to come up with the stupid question about crushes, out of all things, after he asked me why I was stalking on him. It would take an idiot to not notice it.

I roll on my stomach with my face pressed firmly into the pillow. _Well done, Valdez,_ I scold myself, _you’ve managed to make another person feel awkward around you_. I clutch my hands into fists. Why do I keep screwing up? Why can’t I do a single good thing?

I keep on hating myself for another twenty minutes or so before I fall asleep because of exhaustion. When I wake up, my face is sore from being rubbed against the pillow and I sit up to wake up properly. When I lay my eyes on the ground, I notice a small piece of paper. Curious, I rush to the door to pick it up and when I do, I see a short message written in beautiful script.

_Don’t be a coward. Sometimes it’s worth a try._

I turn the paper over, to see if there is something scrambled on the other side as well; an explanation, _haha, just kidding_ , something. But the paper is clean as a lily.

Is it just a piece of advice or a suggestion? Is it just a warning telling me to not lose my chance or an encouragement? Is he telling me to get the person I have a crush on or to hit on him?

I hide the note in my belt and sit back down on my bed. Maybe I should give it a try, what can possibly go wrong? _Everything_. Exactly.

As the saying goes, _no pain, no gain_. Sometimes the risk is worth the outcome.


End file.
